01/01/2026
"so this is the new year... i don't feel any different"
at least, that's what i expected. that's the first song i played to ring the new year in at the party i attended. really, geoff rickly's words in "Tomorrow I'll Be You" ring more true: "cut the jet black from my hair before we bathe in the dawn of new year's day / we will change back to ourselves / in the flames we are cured" i think there's middle ground here. i have all the same problems. nothing really has changed, but i feel different. it's like last night the sleep i entered, crossfaded, after taking off my makeup listening to that song on repeat washed something away from me. i have been fighting grief and was confronted with it last night. i brooded over my drink and i brooded over my joint and i sat outside alone fighting tears listening to "Jet Black New Year", but it was just a dream on new year's day, to quote Thursday for another time. my new year's resolution is to love myself more and to take better care of myself. i'm starting this by spending today doing nothing but resting. i am playing video games and listening to music. i am updating my blog and texting my friends. i have gone through two breakups since September, and had more one night stands than i can count on a single hand. i've put myself through a ringer. it's over now. the time is for me. i'm not going celibate. i'm not going to fight myself at every turn. however, it's time to put myself first at every point i can, and listen to my body and my mind and show myself the love i deserve. i've spent so much time hating myself i don't know what it's like to live at peace. i never sit in quiet. i want to learn how this year. i want to read the book my ex reccomended me near the end of our relationship and not wince every time i think of her, because she's moved on and learning her own happiness. i deserve the same. i deserve grace. you do too.
this year i turn 21. it's a big year. i am going to finish my two year degree and have to get a real job. that's gonna make being in a band harder. also there's the fact that every job i've had has made me want to bash my head through a brick wall at 80 miles an hour. that's a problem for later, though. my parents aren't hurrying to kick me out thankfully. they know i'm an insane mess of a