bittersweet and liminal
"grey hairs are visible, i'm feelin' kinda miserable too" - pinkish by gerard way
things have been, as i said, bittersweet and liminal lately. i'm sad and scared and hopeful and excited. my dependence on weed has come back, but so has my drive to write and draw and work on music. that's evident from having an album coming out in 10 days, but also in the fact i'm drawing my webcomic again and writing short stories about my D&D character. she's been partially written out of the campaign. this is out of necessity, as i quit my barista job to move on to a second shift seasonal full time job at a desk packaging photos. i start that tuesday. i am scared for the jump to full time but hopeful for the money and the fact it's a seated position. that has necessitated me to leave my normal D&D scheduled games, since they are tuesday nights at 7 and i will be working 3-11. there will be weekend games for big plot moments so i can join back up. for now though, i get it and am happy to have the chance to explore the character on my own. she just became the champion for the raven queen, goddess of death, and found out she is a trans woman rather than an agender thing. it's very cool. she's going on a mission of self discovery and serving her queen.
in the real world, i saw my chemical romance again on the black parade tour and it was an incredible show. major plot twists that change the show occured in front of my eyes, as well as some amazing deep cuts (shoutout hang 'em high and surrender the night). i got a tattoo from the bullets cover of houdini hanging upside down in a straight jacket with the revenge font saying "think happy thoughts." under it. i dyed my hair black and got a layered shoulder length hairdo courtesy of my butch. i just went through a breakup after all of that.
i'm stoned writing all of this because all the uncertainty and change is driving me crazy, especially with grief and regular anxiety on top of it. regardless, i'm making harsh noise and spending time with friends and my lover and marketing for the album release. things are weird. i'm doing a lot of retail therapy with plushies, pokemon cards, books, sweets, and stickers. i've been looking a lot at vintage Simpsons toys. i also was gifted a tamagotchi by a friend and have gained a new obsession and grounding mechanism with that. i saw jane schoenbrun's new film teenage sex and death at camp miasma in theaters and it changed me. i related so heavily to the main character in her horror obsession and dissociated, fucked up sexuality. it really influenced the sound design of my new project in interesting ways. i'm finally making a fully harsh noise EP, which has been something i've wanted to do for a while. i love making horrible noises. i love things people think sound terrible. i have made internet accquaintance with my favorite noise and ambient artist, uboa and that has been huge for me. anyway, this is all rambling. enjoy your day reader.
xoxocherry